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iHeist

It began at the beginning with a simple idea. Steal all the music in the iTunes database and sell it in a jurisdiction friendly to such schemes… like the moon.

Before we get started, as you can see I am an elderly (or ancient some would say) American, so my recollection may not entirely reflect actual events. It’s fun to tell a story.

So be advised that if I say something like Erin Black, April Red and Bill White were tasked with product acquisition and Blake Brown, Sara Yellow and Hank Green with distribution that may or may not be entirely true. In fact, it may be completely the opposite or just false to varying degrees. This goes for everything I say.

In any case, all these people had lilac colored skin.

Also, I digress early and often. But ,by the end of this talk I think you will have a glimpse, at least, into the colors of the universe from my travels.

So you don’t get distracted looking up the color while I speak, my baseball cap, aside from the “Numero Uno!” lettering, is the very same lilac. Also, (by the way) you may be wondering about the bill. I was told I could plug this…

It’s got a special neither straight nor curved bill. I made it myself. I would call it crinkle cut but, frankly, fry and potato chip people may not appreciate that. My people can tell you where to license it!

Unfortunately, the rest of my crew can no longer wear baseball caps because they are suffering from a condition known as incarceration. And, the paint applicators you, we, all take for granted now was their undoing!

Not many people know this but the same technology that lets us perfectly coat corners or other finish details with paint, etc… is extremely useful to law enforcement. In a more primitive era, we would use a product called masking tape and, with that in place, coating can commence akin to bumper bowling. You cannot miss.

Although… I can imagine several scenarios where that would be possible, all of which are pretty hilarious!

This technology shares a foundation with the highly discriminating (or delineating if you prefer) pattern recognition technology that finally allowed LAPD to identify and capture previously unknown individuals from planets across this universe, and Earth, that were wreaking havoc in Los Angeles and on Earth in general. Unfortunately, this included my crew.

EXCUSE ME? Yes, you over there. What are you protesting? No, that’s false. Nope. No. Never. We never had a coating named, internally or otherwise, “genocide green” when we supplied the Xaarrg regime (which contract was unilaterally terminated by us).

I see. In that recording, which is totally out of context, I’m saying “gerbil grief” but a compression artifact or some such made it sound like… well, what you want to hear frankly.

By the way, your timing is uncanny! For a long period of time, each time I was about to say something good about battery power, I would be interrupted! Weird.

As I was about to say, before modern paint applicators, there were battery powered nailers. Something else that “should” not exist. Cordless and rechargeable by the sun, wind, gerbil wheel, or your friendly (but hopefully not neighborhood) coal, gas, nuclear, tesseract power plant.

Another now ancient American, Paul, bet me that “they” would never get “them” nailers working at all. He had to eat strip-style nails for a week! Just kidding, that wasn’t the bet… that I won.

Anyway, back to the heist. It was easy. All the music until that moment in time was ours.

Oh wait! I forgot to introduce the characters that made up the crew.

First, there was Paul. Just kidding, Paul was the guy that lost the bet about the battery powered nailers.

Ok, first, why did they all have lilac skin? Well, during distribution, we had to make many business trips. On the planet Dodecahedron II, they became involuntarily joined with a symbiote, which turned their skin lilac. Also, the scientists say they will now live to 300 or 400 but can only eat chalk, or they’ll only live for a few minutes.

Everything on Dodecahedron II is a shade of this blue, except the clouds which are black. Animals and bugs and other living things that move on Dodecahedron II are a darker shade, while plant life is a lighter shade. Everything else is “Whirlpool.”

We were all also music lovers. In fact, one powerful motivation for this caper was, I sincerely believe, that we each secretly desired all of the music in existence. What a collection that is, I mean… would be. After all, we were each pretty well off and by well off I mean WELL off.

Not to make anyone feel inadequate but, our combined net worth would easily put us in the eleven figure club, if that’s a thing.

We could not however just buy all the music for our purposes for a variety of reasons. It would have been too suspicious to just buy all the music. Also, there was not a convenient way to do so. If there was a “BUY EVERYTHING” button we may have considered simply purchasing it all.

Also, after smoking our full measure of proverbial cigars, we still felt empty and bored. We had not lived or so we thought. Anyway, after being caught, a prison therapist pretty quickly helped us make certain realizations. See, we were actually decent people.

I regret not maintaining correspondence with the therapist. She was born, raised, educated and expressed her wish to leave this earthly plane in Las Vegas as far as I remember. Anyway, our problems/hang-ups seemed pretty obvious to her but I may not be reading her accurately.

Erin Black, April Red and Bill White were siblings. Their parents had a small business designing custom pools in Las Vegas. Unsurprisingly, their children were inclined toward artistic endeavors. They (the children that is) had a fascination with photorealism. That is to say their paintings sought to be as close to a photographic representation as possible. It became an obsession actually.

Anyway, as I said, their role was to get the music out of the iTunes servers. I am not sure how they did it, but they said it was easy. Something about getting into the right facility, fooling the right machines into thinking they had a damaged part and then intercepting the “damaged” parts. At least that’s my understanding, which I don’t really understand.

So, I imagine that’s what they did. It probably was not as easy as they made it sound. Erin and Bill tell me they had to do several somersaults… in grade school.

April however actually had to do some acrobatics to access the facility and the machines undetected. Erin and Bill were her support. They all had cool black earpieces.

April had an egg timer that she would set to count down from 90 seconds. It was a beautiful egg timer. It was porcelain and shaped like an egg with very fine tick marks and corresponding meticulously written numbers representing the passage of time. I am not sure how the egg timer came into her possession, but I imagine it coming from a welcoming farmhouse kitchen in a comfortably warm and light style.

The egg timer was constructed in two hemispheres that were rotatable relative to one another to set and start the timer. A wonderfully colorful pattern of stripes, almost floral designs, and patterns ran perpendicular to the axis of rotation, making the egg timer look like an carefully decorated Easter egg. It made a quiet but persistent ticking a few times a second when it was counting down. April disabled the bell for obvious reasons.

Of course, she could have taken quite a bit more than the allotted 90 seconds since we made sure the facility was basically empty before “go” time. In this sense we definitely measured twice before cutting.

We wanted to be sure she got out undetected, which meant quickly, so we all agreed to buy her any lunch of her choosing for a period six months, if she finished connecting the cable within 90 seconds. This is how the 90 second deadline was set.

If she went over the allotted time, we were to… smash her beautiful egg timer. Also, it had little orange chick legs sticking out of the bottom, like a chick was halfway hatched out of it.

And so, April steadily rotated the egg timer to the 90 second mark and let go.

Incidentally, it was pointed out to us later that, as with most things, others had the same idea. It turns out that the music we sought, that is all the music known to humankind, was easily had via an open AWS bucket! Whether that was a mistake or based on some kind of intent is an open question. This was actually a commonplace method of disseminating information in particular circles which shall remain nameless.

Time was counting down faster than usual, as we perceived it. 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5, 4, 3, 2… 1…

Unfortunately, we ended up having to smash her egg timer first into larger bits and then into many smaller bits. :( There were some details regarding the facility that we didn’t have quite right. She was not too devastated — she may have had another hidden away.

As it turns out the inside of the egg timer was quite curious. There was a redundant timing mechanism! In case the first had failed! This is a subject for another time.

The good news was that the caper had been completed.

We actually decided just to enjoy the fruits of the caper. But again, this was before our revelatory encounter with the prison therapist.

We grew restless however and decided to proceed to distribution. By that time, we needed to go far and wide to find suitable distribution.

Hank was an alien and his people were capable of interstellar travel for some time before humans. He called his home planet HankWorld. We went to HankWorld first. Hank was also an American.

The first thing that was surprising when we arrived at HankWorld, was that they copied the American flag! Well, they had lowered the saturation of the red, white and blue a noticeable amount so it was not an exact copy. HankWorld also had thirteen original “colonies” but only 48 “states.” They divided two states into two to make it an even 50.

So, just turn down the saturation from there and you’ll have a good idea.

They called themselves Americans as well! This was one way Hank was American, but he was also an American back on Earth.

HankWorld was a great. Their society was sputtering along until they legalized remote psychological diagnosis for all public positions of power. They used something like the old homeland security color warnings to label the threat level relating to candidates for power.

I mentioned to Hank that colors are pretty ambiguous as warning level indicators and recommended a number or word-based system. Is blue more threatening than yellow or green?

They still could not match the productivity of Americans on Earth however but there was a significant improvement. Imagine if we did that!

They had very old schools with lots of the most prestigious prestige. The oldest was a millennia old. Maybe they’ll catch up one day.

Anyway, all of HankWorld was a giant version of Las Vegas! There was their equivalent of neon everywhere. And they had giant holograms of Elvis morphing from young to old welcoming you to various establishments. Their securities regulations were based on Nevada gaming regulations and their stock market accordingly flourished while being well regulated (at least from the perspective of the average investor).

Anyway, everyone should visit HankWorld at least once in their life. It is extraordinary to travel their however as that is an interstellar journey.

As we left HankWorld, we had a bit of an altercation. I’m not sure why we left just then, but it was bad timing. You see we ran into a group of surly A.I. drones.

To be continued…

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