The burden of sacrifice.

Sometimes, the best way to prove your love to someone is to let them go.

Sacrifice. A word I had not used for a long time.

Would you just stand-by and watch as you see one of your loved ones embrace a life you quit long ago? Would you accept the birth of a relationship between two people that seems so against nature? But if you don’t accept it, would you make the sacrifice to let that loved one go for the sake of your friendship and theirs?

It did not take too long for me to know what I had to do. For the first time, I made the call. For the first time, I let someone go. Does it make the decision easier? It does not.

I thought that this former life was over, that I would not be haunted by associated memories and feelings. Why? I have got accustomed to my independent life. I have also grown very fond of my Berlin people, vibes, and freedom. After a while, you become more self-aware and able to dedicate a bigger share of your emotional capital to those around you: I am now able to offer more attention and support to my family and friends than 16 months ago. Especially since March 2020 and worldwide events, you feel stronger than you used to be, wiser maybe — or is the 30th birthday around the corner doing that? For the first time in my adult life, I can take care of myself and others without being too affected by events.

But not all events. Not this. Am I strong enough to accept the inevitable? How would anyone else react in my position? 16 months ago, something was taken from me. A part of who I was. It was apparently not enough. Life can be a real b*tch. Today I mourn for the possible loss of a true and deep friendship. Weirdly enough, it feels a bit like a breakup. I resent the person who took that from us, who took yet another part of me. It could have been anyone, but it had to be her. Have I not given enough?

So how do you step back from such an intensely emotional situation and react as a grownup would do? There is no right and wrong. It depends on how much of a relationship (friendship or else) you are ready to save for the long run. As a behavorial expect would say, it depends on the 5 wounds you bear and their ratio: rejection, abandonment, humiliation, betrayal and injustice (Lise Bourbeau, “Heal your wounds and find your true self”). In this case, I have decided to react as an adult given the deep betrayal pang I felt. I decided to peacefully let go of a friendship to not make the other face an impossible choice. I have taken a wise decision, the only decision that could salvage the leftovers of what was a great friendship. Only time can restore its former glory. If it does not, nobody will. But no one can tell today.

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