No filter. My poison of choice was instagram.

The beginning of a summer long social-media-free journey bravely embarked by me, a millennial

Embarrassing to admit, but for the past year, since quitting my former job and leaving my toxic relationships, I grew a habitual intense itch to check my phone at every moment of the day that it drove me to hide in bathroom stalls during weekdays and waste weekends in bed to mindlessly scroll, Scroll, and SCROLL. Each finger flick across my phone screen dug me into my addictive self loathing relationship with the platform.

I found myself easily pulled away from my body and mentally imprisoned by crippling thoughts about myself. “I am not as smart. I am not as successful. I am not as artistic. I am not as funny. I am not as beautiful. I am not as charismatic. I am NOT.” My mind got overloaded with these self-limiting thoughts as I scan posts from childhood friends, old classmates, ex-boyfriends, ex-boyfriends’ girlfriends, insta-models, influencers, DJs, musicians, and the list continues to all other possible categories.

Typically, before opening the app, I gave myself the infamous prep talk, “Alright, just a quick look”…HA! I should have saved time by skipping the prep talk and immediately dive into the hours I would be glued onto Instagram (IG).

Even when I wasn’t on it, I would be thinking about it and living for it. My eyes would actively scan my environment to hunt for photo-worthy things to post on IG. For example, Friday nights with my girlfriends transformed into events for me to document and share. Evening walks with the dogs were acts to put on IG. Meals I made took longer to eat because I needed the plate to be neat and perfectly garnished for photos.

All of this became too overwhelming. And it was last night when I broke down into tears, feeling suffocated by the negative thoughts I had about myself and other people. A change needed to be made, so I took the initial step. I pressed and held the IG app icon on my phone. The x appeared on its top left corner, I tapped the x, deleting the app. As pathetic as it seems, my initial emotion was fear. FOMO started to kick in, “Why did I now decide to disable my account and delete the app?!? It’s summer, all my Instagram friends will be active and posting, and I won’t be there to witness all of it.” BUT I became excited about how my time will now be better spent. It felt like I have now given myself permission to move, grow, and be present.

I contemplated the breakdown. Is my current mental state too weak or too sensitive to enjoy instagram in a healthy way? Or did social media such as instagram rooted and promoted me to feel negatively? I don’t know. It may be the combination of the both. Whatever the answer is, I know temporarily removing IG from my life is a personal power move.

Now, begins the journey for intentionally living for myself and not for the “Gram”.

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